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“Be careful!” “Get down from there.” “You’re too young.” “Stay right by my side.” Have you caught yourself saying any of these things to your children? It’s as natural as breathing — we just want to keep our kids safe from all harm. But The Anxious Generation author Jonathan Haidt says that this type of overprotective behavior can lead to harm in kids. In fact, they need risky play to help them develop properly, the social psychologist explained, and dads can help.
At the inaugural Future of Fatherhood Summit in New York City on June 5, hosted by Moms First and Equimundo, Haidt opened up about the importance of kids engaging in “fear” and “risk-taking” activities, and how dads in particular are crucial to help foster this behavior.
“Risk and fear and excitement and thrills — these are biologically necessary,” Haidt said in the appearance. “Kids need to climb a tree to the point where they’re scared. And then maybe they go down, but then the next time they go higher, they need that over and over again.”
Credit: Jessica Bal
Jessica Bal
He explains that if you think back at your childhood and playing with your parents, it was most likely your dad encouraging that type of risky behavior. “Who would chase you around and pretend to be a monster? Probably Dad,” Haidt says. It was certainly true for me, as my dad would take me to play in the creek, rough house with me, and more potentially dangerous activities that my mom would be too worried about to allow if she saw it. “Moms aren’t that good at pretending to be predators of their own children, but dads are perfect for the job. … I remember running for my life, but still laughing, right? It’s that combination.”
“So, we really need dads to step up and be the one who pushes for free play, risk-taking, independence, and thrills,” he continues.
A 2004 study in Human Development, which Haidt praised on X in June 2024, found that dads “play a particularly important role in the development of children’s openness to the world.” This backs up what Haidt is saying about dads being particularly important in creating this risk-taking play.
A summary of the study stated, “Men seem to have a tendency to excite, surprise, and momentarily destabilize children; they also tend to encourage children to take risks, while at the same time ensuring the latter’s safety and security, thus permitting children to learn to be braver in unfamiliar situations, as well as to stand up for themselves.”
Credit: Thiago Rocha/Unsplash
Credit: Thiago Rocha/Unsplash
That’s not saying that moms can’t create this type of playful learning with their kids, but that it may come more naturally to dads. That’s why Haidt is challenging dads to step up this kind of play.
In the appearance, Haidt adds, “Dads need to be helping the kids have adventure and risk and thrill. But the biggest challenge is dads especially need to be setting the kids up to have those risks and thrills and adventures without them. And I’m not saying that has to happen at age 8, but I think we need a norm.”
So how do we start? Starting at 8 years old, Haidt recommends giving your kids time alone without you supervising, like taking your kids to a science center and letting them explore it on their own, knowing they can meet you at the cafeteria when they are ready. Or waiting outside in the car and sending your kid into the supermarket alone to get a couple things.
“If you protect your kids from all risk, you’re ultimately hurting them,” Haidt says. “You want your kids to leave the nest and fly. We’ve gotta give ‘em some practice flying.”
During the conversation, Haidt reiterates that mental health of teens has plummeted since 2012, largely in part to social media and a society of instant-gratification. Instead of normal childhood activities like playing outside, reading books, being bored, kids are now “pump[ed] full of entertainment.”
“I focused on adolescents in the book [The Anxious Generation], but now I’m seeing even more damage might be being done in the first five-to-seven years because of heavy screen use,” he added. “The recommendations are very clear. No smartphone until high school. No social media until 16 at the very youngest.”
In an interview with SheKnows in March, Haidt shared that while many parents agreed with his phone rules, many were hesitant about the free, independent play. “On the phone side, we didn’t have to persuade anyone. Everybody already saw it, they just didn’t know what to do about it,” he told us. “But persuading parents that they need to back off and give their kids the kind of freedom that they themselves had when they were young? It wasn’t like we just put it out there and everyone said, ‘Oh, of course.’”
He co-founded an organization called Let Grow with Lenore Skenazy of Free-Range Kids, which encourages parents to give their kids more independence. Haidt says that with more parents allowing this independence, the more normalized it will become.
“This has a transformational effect on the whole community because nobody has seen an 8-year-old walking around since 1991, so the Let Grow experience is our most powerful tool for changing the norms and making parents feel more comfortable trusting their kids,” he explained.
“If there’s a way that a kid can walk a few blocks to a store and buy something, at age 8, they should be doing that,” Haidt continued. “And the kids who go out and do something, they come back and they’re jumping up and down. They are so excited. It has a huge impact on the kids, but the really important thing is that it has an impact on the parents, because we don’t know what the right age is to let them out. We’re afraid.”
It might feel impossible to take the leap to letting your kid go out on their own, but starting with letting them take risks on the playground is a good first step.
Before you go, check out how these celebrity parents are teaching their kids self-care.
