Mapaseka Mokwele on self-honesty, intention and the truth about relationships
Katlego Sekhu
Mapaseka Mokwele recently joined My Top 10 at 10 with Tbose for a deeply personal conversation about her new book, Intimate You.
The interview also marked something of a reunion, as Kaya is Mapaseka’s former home.
During the conversation, the husband and wife unpacked the different layers of one’s relationship with the self, and how that ultimately shapes the relationship with a partner.
Speaking about honesty, Mapaseka noted that many people misunderstand where it should begin.
“When we talk about honesty, we assume it is about being honest with your partner. But it needs to start with honesty with yourself.”
She explained that true self-reflection requires recognising the role one has played in their own circumstances.
“Yes, we do not have control over where we are born, but at some point we become responsible for our lives,” she said. “Your contribution could simply be that you are allowing it.”
Tbose pushed back, asking whether it is fair to hold someone responsible for behaviour that may have been learned.
Mapaseka acknowledged that some behaviours are learned, but insisted that unlearning them is still a personal choice.
“You wake up every day and it is a choice that you are making.”
The conversation then shifted to what it means to be an intentional partner in a long marriage.
“In April, you and I will be married for 24 years,” Mapaseka said to Tbose. “I still need to remember the things you like. What makes you feel good and how I need to treat you as your wife. That is intention.”
She added that intentionality is also rooted in reciprocity.
“And you know why? Because I also want to be treated well. We should also be able to say, in the middle of an argument, I love you but I do not agree with you. When we talk, we need to be very clear about the love and the relationship that we have.”
Mapaseka also reflected on how intention can sometimes take a negative form.
“If I am intentional about how I want my point to come across, I could simply say something offensive. Imagine that. There is an intention there. The intention is to hurt you.”
She warned that the desire to win arguments is often what undermines relationships.
“The intention to win arguments is always the downfall of so many relationships.”
Expanding on this idea, she added that constantly needing to win ultimately changes the nature of the relationships around you.
“If your intention is to win every argument in every space you are in, then you are hanging around people you are calling losers.”
For Mapaseka, the real value of self-awareness lies in the ability to admit when you are wrong and to grow from that moment.
“The beauty of understanding who you are and being honest with yourself is that you can say, ‘I was wrong and I can learn from this.’ Then you move forward. If you are not aware, you will keep making the same mistake.”
To hear the full conversation, listen to the podcast.
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